Women Drivers

Women Drivers
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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?....... I think not.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms...

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. "
Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers...
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Two Blondes Go To Heaven

Both blondes are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First blond-"I froze to death."

Second blond-"You froze to death-how horrible!"

First blond-"Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second blond-"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First blond-"So what happened?"

Second blond --- "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
First blond-"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right, and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's
an even trade.

NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow."

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so
be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing".

Wisconsin Lingo

Hey Dere! C'meer once - you gots to read dis a couple-two-tree words on
how ta talk like yer from Scansin, hey. It's a humdinger! Sit down
witch'er brat an' brewski n yer blaze-orange and, cripes sake, in the
spirit of Bart and Vince, take a gander, ain-a-hey?

1. AIN-A-HEY: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn't it?"
2. BART: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see"Vince").
3. BELIEVE-YOU-ME: attached to the beginning or end of a statement, makes it more credible; as in, "Really!"
4. BLAZE-ORANGE: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear to Lambeau Field. Also a popular color for jail uniforms.
5. BORN IN A BARN?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open or could not correctly differentiate between an alewife and a smelt.
6. BORROW: used in place of lend, as in, "Could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks, yah hey?"
7. BRAT: a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite; doesn't have anything to do with a spoiled kid.
8. BUBBLER: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it's known as a drinking fountain.
9. BUDGE: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"
10. BY: to, near; as in "Let's go by One-Eyed Jack's" or, "She'll come by da house tonight."
11. CHEDDARHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."
12. CHEESEHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."
13. CHEESE CURD: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them
14. COMEER ONCE: a request for the presence of another Cheddarhead.
15. COUPLE-TWO-TREE more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."
16. CRIPES: a Wisconsin expletive.
17. CRIPES-SAKE: a mild Wisconsin expletive.
18. CRIPES-SAKES-ALMIGHTY: a major Wisconsin expletive.
19. DA: substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in, "Da guy over dere in da Bears shirt dere."
20. DAVENPORT: What your mom called "the sofa;" a couch.
21. FAIR-TA-MIDDLIN: Not bad or great, just "O.K."
22. FISH FRY: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.
23. FLEET FARM: A Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.
24. FROZEN TUNDRA: Lambeau Field.
25. GEEEZ!: Another Wisconsin expletive.
26. GOAHEAD: Proceed; as in, "go ahead and back up your car dere."
27. GOTS: used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tund! ra."
28. GOL-DURN: Another Wisconsin expletive.
29. HEY: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in, "Hey, hows 'bout dem Packers?" or "Hows 'bout dem Packers, Hey!"
30. HOWS-BY-YOU?: a greeting; the same as, "How's everything?"
31. HUMDINGER: a beauty; as in "dat croppy youse caught up-nort is a real humdinger."
32. JOHN DEERE: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.
33. LEAKER: (n) One who lacks the mental or physical stamina to continue partying.
34. M'WAKEE: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from T'rivers and Man'twoc.
35. N-SO?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; (sometimes pronounced as AIN-SO), used as a substitute for "isn't that right?" or "Correct?"
36. OH, YAH: Depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment (as "That's correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).
37. PERT-NEER: (sometimes pronounced "PRET-NEAR": in close proximity;
just about.
38. POLKA: the national dance of Wisconsin.
39. RUBBERS: protection for your shoes; also known as "G'loshes."
40. SCANSIN: the state where Cheeseheads are from.
41. SCHMEAR: a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead.
42. SHEEPSHEAD: another card game.
43. SIDE-BY-EACH: used instead of "next to each other."
44. SKEETER: Wisconsin's state bird.
45. START WIT ME LAST: to forfeit your turn.
46. STOP-AND-GO LIGHTS: what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.
47. TREE: The number between two and four.
48. UN-THAW: to defrost or thaw.
49. WHERE-ABOUTS: locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse-guys from?"
50. UP NORT: where Wisconsinites go on vacation, if you're from M'wakee, upnort is anywhere outside of town - Kenosha can be Up Nort if yer from M'wakee.
51. UP-SIDE-RIGHT: right side up.
52. VINCE: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for instant recognition; (see "Bart"). Recently, "Brett" was also added to this category.
53. WIH-SKON'-TSUN: the way you can tell the speaker is not a real Wisconsinite.
54. YAH-HEY: affirmative, but can be added reinforce request.
55. YAH-SURE-YOU-BETCHA: yes, you are correct.
56. YOU-BETCHA: affirmative, as in "Yah-hey."
57. YOUSE: (var. "Yoose") pronoun, second person; plural.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.